Crappy teenage-ish poetry revisited (sorry!)

Everyone’s faces
Far away
fading

Picture perfect
Deteriorating

Muddled
icons so small
and decaying

No one knew
anyone
anything
anyway.

I love my job

I got one of the best compliments today from a coworker while I was cashiering. She said, "You're really nice. You're really good at your job."

It was a great compliment to me, and I accepted it with a thanks because she's right. I love my job and I think I'm good at it. That's an incredible feeling. Feeling at home where I work, feeling like I have a place where I belong and am doing something I'm good at, something I care about - that feeling is irreplaceable.

I'm going to work overtime and make extra money. Everything in my life is going so well, socially and work related. Academically is still coming along, and I feel like I've been reading more - not just more philosophy, but more overall. Working at McKay's exposes me to so many books, music, movies, culture - the opportunities to get interested in things are endless.

I like books on tape now. That's pretty new for me. I read fiction even when I don't have the time for it, and it's lovely.

New Job

I got a job at the big local used bookstore in Knoxville - McKay's. It's pretty much Knoxville's equivalent of Half Price Books, but it's smaller as a chain, and bigger as a store. There are other locations in Chattanooga and Nashville, but I think Knoxville is the biggest one. It has two floors, the first floor for books, and the second for music. So far I really like it. It's funky down to earth people to work with, practically no dress code and an extremely generous employee discount. So far it looks like I'm going to be able to get enough hours to not need a second job. It's a lot to take in at once, and it can be hectic, but I think I'm doing fine, and I'm happy because it has to be one of the cooler places to work in Knoxville.

misprint

I don't know how the editors missed this one but I'm in an absurd mood tonight and found this pretty funny. That poor boy must be exhausted.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v94/Kyandi/image001.jpg

regrets

Looking down at my previous post makes me ache to be happy again. I'm not, currently. It has become more apparent to me than ever that there's really not much in my life. Now, I'm all about endorsing the view that one should live for today, focus on what can be done currently and let go of the past. That aside though, regrets are weighing on me, so I thought I'd list some to get them off of my chest. It'll also serve two other functions - 1. To further depress me and 2. To help me remember to make better decisions in the future (I hope).

1. I regret quitting German. Taking German classes really gave me a sense of structure in my life. I felt at home in the German department. I felt like myself. I should have held onto it and never let go.

2. I regret quitting my job. It was a pretty good job, and I liked it because I liked being around specific people regularly, on a day to day basis. I liked feeling like I was a part of something.

3. I regret letting my academic work slide. I am not the student I once was, and that pains me.

4. I regret letting alcohol become a central feature in my life again. I was pretty healthy and stable before I let that happen.

5. I regret misplacing my trust in people. I regret falling in love with people without having a clear sense of their character.

6. I regret having listened to others instead of myself regarding major life changing decisions. I regret not believing in myself enough to have the courage to stand up for what I wanted and deserved (yes, I know this one is vague at best).

I think that's it for now, and yes, it did depress me further.

Feeling Alive

I don't want to jump the gun by saying this, but I actually feel happy today. I'm afraid announcing that will abruptly lead to everything falling apart.

Doesn't seem to be happening yet...

I feel hopeful. I feel like my chances for the kind of life I want may not be extinct after all.

I think I noticed I was happy sometime this afternoon and was quite surprised. It's been a long time since I noticed I was happy. I've spent a lot of time lately just getting by. Happy is a refreshing change.

Even writing that I'm happy, thinking about how I'm happy, is making me happy.

I'm meta-happy.

The person in front of me is
Not what he seems. He is
Eight different people all plotting
Against me. 20 years old with a
Glass of merlot. Someone to be
With and no one I know.

I am generic nobody
pared down to substance
reduced to thing
pure physicality in motion
nothing
but nothing
and everything.

This time I mean it, but it’s too inconvenient.

This time is nothing is cop-out is nothing.

Tomorrow is something is nothing is now.

Tomorrow is always is never is now.

And I don’t know how. Not tomorrow not now.

I don’t know anything. I don’t know how.

A Memorial to Simon, a Welcome to Jake

I'm very unhappy to report that we lost our first kitten, Simon. The poor little guy died before we had a chance to pick him up from the store. He was a really great kitten who should have grown up to be a cat. He would have made an excellent cat. We are moving on, but it's very tragic, and we refuse to ever forget Simon or what a great kitten he was.

Moving on, we thought, meant continuing with the plan of getting a kitten. It's true, he's not Simon, but he's a good kitten just the same. His name is Jake, (short for Charcoal Jake) and he seems to be an affectionate and playful guy. He's a hearty kitten too. (I wish poor Simon could have been this hearty). Jake and Vaughn are hanging out in South Dakota, but I'll be meeting him soon and bringing him home a week from Sunday.

I hope he likes airplanes.

Last weekend I visited South Dakota for the first time and really liked it. It's nice to see green space and streets that aren't packed with traffic and covered in litter. I am going back there for Fall Break and I can't wait. Oh, and I'll be bringing a new kitten back with me. I think his name will either be Samson or Simon.

I really can't wait until I graduate and get out of Knoxville for good. I like the weather here and there are a few other redeeming qualities about Knoxville, but mostly, it just stinks (both literally and figuratively).

I'm not alone anymore. I will physically be alone again for the next 5 weeks or so, but we have officially resumed relationship status.

My new ambition is to graduate as soon as possible. That means dropping my German minor, which is sad, but it's what has to be done. Most of the time I'm really tired of Knoxville and I think I'll be beyond ready to leave in the Spring after I graduate. I want to get out of here and go to South Dakota, to a place that isn't completely covered in litter.

We saw the boomsday fireworks display last night from my apartment. I guess there are some redeeming things about Knoxville. I thought I had seen fireworks shows before, but I really hadn't. They know how to do fireworks in the South. The whole thing was practically apocalyptic.

I don't know what else I can write about. I don't talk to a lot of people about things. I have to focus on academics, and I'm not thrilled about it. I am counting the days until Fall Break. I am using the thought of my graduation to muster up enough motivation to keep going.

Wer bist du?

Wer bist du?
Ich möchte wissen.
Bist du jemand?
Bist du du?

Wo bist du?
Es ist schwer zu sehen.
Hast du ein Selbst?
Bist du du? ich?

Ich kenne nicht
die Worte "du" und "ich"
Es gibt kein Selbst darin.

Alone

I am officially on my own now. I'm heartbroken but I still have hope. I refuse to completely let go of hope.

Now I have to go back to work, back to my life, and all I can say is blah.

Ok, sorry, it's been a while

I don't know where to start.

As of Tuesday I will be in Knoxville by myself and it's unbelievable. I have some friends and everything, but it's not quite the same.

Friends are important though. It's been hard for me these past couple of years to really incorporate friendships into my life.

I have no idea what to say.

It's hard, but at the same time, I am fine, and at the same time, it's devestating.

I guess I am less worried. I am more me. I am more, "here I am and so what about it?" than before, and that's a tremendous thing for me.

I work, and work is good. My academics have been gut fuer ueber eine Jahre. Now it's a matter of bringing all aspects of my life zusammen und letting them be zusammen.